Do These Humorless Feminist Pants Make My Butt Look Big?

English: toilet seat up Deutsch: hochgeklappte Toilettenbrille (USA) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Apparently this list of Man Rules (‘ALL NUMBERED #1 ON PURPOSE’!) has been circulating around the interwebs. And I know that men are from Mars and women from Venus, and we’re just too darn different to ever understand each other so we women should just quit talking about it and go shopping or whatever, but I really do think I can build a bridge here, if only you let me try!

*Ahem*

1. MEN ARE NOT MIND READERS.

Neither are women, dude. Thanks for offering up these helpful rules!

1. LEARN TO WORK THE TOILET SEAT. YOU’RE A BIG GIRL. IF IT’S UP, PUT IT DOWN. WE NEED IT UP, YOU NEED IT DOWN. YOU DON’T HEAR US COMPLAINING ABOUT YOU LEAVING IT DOWN.

Well, technically, I think men need the seat down at least once per day on average, but we’ll overlook that. I promise to keep mum about the toilet seat if you promise to clean up after yourself when you miss.

1. ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT. LET US BE CLEAR ON THIS ONE: SUBTLE HINTS DO NOT WORK! STRONG HINTS DO NOT WORK! OBVIOUS HINTS DO NOT WORK! JUST SAY IT!

OK! We really just want you to put the effing toilet seat down! Jeez! Alright, I’m sorry. I’ll stop now. Promise!

1. YES AND NO ARE PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE ANSWERS TO ALMOST EVERY QUESTION.

Do men and women always perfectly understand each other? No.

Might this communication breakdown be alleviated by actually, like, communicating with each other, and perhaps elaborating on things in order to better understand what we mean or what we want (see ‘ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT’, above), or just, you know, get to know each other better? Yes.

Dammit. You win this time, Man Rules!

1.. COME TO US WITH A PROBLEM ONLY IF YOU WANT HELP SOLVING IT. THAT’S WHAT WE DO. SYMPATHY IS WHAT YOUR GIRLFRIENDS ARE FOR.

Say it with me: Feelings aren’t just for girls. Venting helps you feel better. And it causes so much less pain and suffering than bottling things up for years and then going nuts and beating up your wife or shooting a bunch of people.

1. ANYTHING WE SAID 6 MONTHS AGO IS INADMISSIBLE IN AN ARGUMENT. IN FACT, ALL COMMENTS BECOME NULL AND VOID AFTER 7 DAYS.

I hereby rescind my promise to stop mentioning the toilet seat seven days from the date of publication of this post. So there.

1. IF YOU THINK YOU’RE FAT, YOU PROBABLY ARE. DON’T ASK US.

If you think your penis is too small, it probably is. Don’t ask us.

1. IF SOMETHING WE SAID CAN BE INTERPRETED TWO WAYS AND ONE OF THE WAYS MAKES YOU SAD OR ANGRY, WE MEANT THE OTHER ONE.

Again with the suppression of feelings! I really do feel sorry for men and what our macho culture has done to them. (Seriously, patriarchy hurts men too.)

1. YOU CAN EITHER ASK US TO DO SOMETHING OR TELL US HOW YOU WANT IT DONE. NOT BOTH. IF YOU ALREADY KNOW BEST HOW TO DO IT, JUST DO IT YOURSELF.

Because anything worth doing is worth doing right. Unless it’s cleaning. Which is a woman’s job.

1. WHENEVER POSSIBLE, PLEASE SAY WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO SAY DURING COMMERCIALS.

What if there’s a spider on your back? What if what I want to say is, ‘I think we should have sex. Like right now.’?

1. CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS DID NOT NEED DIRECTIONS AND NEITHER DO WE…

It’s called the West Indies because Columbus got lost and thought he was in Asia.

1. ALL MEN SEE IN ONLY 16 COLORS, LIKE WINDOWS DEFAULT SETTINGS.. PEACH, FOR EXAMPLE, IS A FRUIT, NOT A COLOR. PUMPKIN IS ALSO A FRUIT. WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT MAUVE IS.

I was once told by a photocopier/printer machine salesman that women and men see colors differently, which certainly must explain why I thought the colors looked off when printed. It wasn’t that the machine wasn’t working properly, it was just my lady eyes making me see the wrong colors!

This doesn’t really have a whole lot to do with the ‘rule’ above. It just reminded me of that story.

1. IF WE ASK WHAT IS WRONG AND YOU SAY ‘NOTHING,’ WE WILL ACT LIKE NOTHING’S WRONG. WE KNOW YOU ARE LYING, BUT IT IS JUST NOT WORTH THE HASSLE.

OMG I’m a woman and you’re a man and we actually totally agree on something! *high five*

1. WHEN WE HAVE TO GO SOMEWHERE, ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING YOU WEAR IS FINE…REALLY.

Unless it’s too ‘slutty’ or makes us look fat, which we undoubtedly are.

1.. DON’T ASK US WHAT WE’RE THINKING ABOUT UNLESS YOU ARE PREPARED TO DISCUSS SUCH TOPICS AS FOOTBALL OR MOTOR SPORTS.

Ugh. All you want to talk about are gender stereotypes. It’s so boring.

1 .. YOU HAVE TOO MANY SHOES.

I’m sorry, this is just patently false.

1. I AM IN SHAPE. ROUND IS A SHAPE!

Am I to infer that you’re getting defensive, because you’re worried I think you are fat? What are you, some kind of girl?